***Warning: my thoughts are scattered and therefore this post is probably a bit ... yes, well...
Ok ok, my initial goal this month was to read The Fault In Our Stars by John Green. The goal was pushed back and then forgotten and then remembered and then pushed back some more. Well friends, as of last night (March 19, 2012) I successfully finished the book and here we are.
Why did I push this goal back so much? Partly due to laziness and partly due to a bit of apprehension. I knew the general story line - girl has terminal cancer, girl finds love, love finds death, death teaches life to learn.
It honestly scared me a bit. I mean, why put myself through any emotional roller coasters? Not necessary to help my tendencies to stress and obsess about being stressed.
But due to some recent occurrences in our lives, family friends' lives that is, I felt I owed it to those who suffered to read of their triumphs and defeats. Who knows, perhaps my life would benefit from these fictional characters' experiences.
Well a few hours later I am sitting in my room with watery eyes, blinking furiously towards the ceiling in hopes that these would not become streaming tears. This was not an awful thing.
I knew John Green was a talented individual but his words stung, I could not really experience the same connection between the characters as some people may but I could feel the pain. The thought of applying these emotions to my personal life and my own friends and family shot little arrows through my heart. My chest ached and my heart raced. John Green touched on specific subjects that troubled my preoccupied mind every so often.
He spoke of the idea of everyone leaving a legacy, a mark, an impression on those around them. Putting their worth in this world seemed to be enough to satisfy most but the main character in the book challenged this goal. I share this worry, if my life were to end tomorrow - could I honestly say that I've made a difference in this world? Could I leave satisfied with my existence?
For a long time the answer to this question was no. I don't think I've reached my full potential, I don't think I've positively impacted enough people around me, I don't think I'm done.
Everyone's lives are fragile and limited, we were placed in this world to live through our drudgery until we can find that little hairline crack in our bubble to finally break through. No, not everyone has to be uber important, not everyone has to become a celebrity or politician or king or queen to leave a mark. We impact every single person we come across and every single person who walks through our paths will impact each of us in some way.
This book reminded me that the world is as large as we want it to be. The world as a physical mass is enormous but our little individual worlds can be bound to the few people around us. In every way we make a difference, with every move we are living our lives. How much we choose to push to enlarge our bubbles is dependent on each individual. Some like small bubbles and some like large.
I think I'm a medium bubble person. Nothing less of ecstatic to be in my small bubble yet eager to still pushing outward. I live my current life looking to do more. What though? Don't know. That is the part of life that I still need to live through to figure out.
My quest to make a difference in this world will never be deserted. The "world" is just more clarified now.
But for now, thank you John Green for reminding me that emotion is nothing to run away from. I am one person and the imprint I leave in this world will be with those who surround me. I hope this blog has done some good in evoking emotion in some of you. Happy, annoyed, confused, thoughtful - either way, thank you for being here.